The Journey of Potty Training is not easy! Let’s start by acknowledging that you are not alone, and we have all been there. I think that potty training for a neurotypical child is difficult, and for us parents of a child with ASD, it might even seem like an unattainable dream. This was a post/blog I could not write before, as I too was struggling with this subject.
I had to turn the page and hit the reset button many times, gave up multiple times, cried alone, and had multiple discussions with my husband about what it would take. Aside from being hard on myself, I found a lot of critiques from some family members who did not understand how much my family was struggling with this matter and, at times, provided me with unsolicited advice, which can be very frustrating.
Today I want to tell you that this method worked for me, but it might not work for you, and that is okay. Keep reading, and keep researching until you hit that home run. I read articles and books on how to potty train neurotypical kids, and kids with ASD, attended support groups of moms that had ideas, consulted with an ABA therapist (BCBA), and asked every parent that I could about their journey.
When I say I could, it’s because this matter should not be discussed with everyone. That will be my number one tip; ask parents who are in a similar situation as you or have been in the same situation as you. Why? Sometimes you can get confused, and if your story/current circumstances do not resonate with them, you may come out of it feeling defeated and in a mental stage worse than when you came in to ask them.
I tell everyone I listen to everyone who wants to give me advice, I take what I want and apply it and let go of everything that I feel does not or will not work for me. No one, absolutely no one, knows your child like you. With that being said, I want to also tell you that sometimes as the primary caregivers of our kids, we underestimate their capabilities. So, if you are still reading this article, you feel that 1. They have a chance and 2. You are capable of getting them through this hump.
Potty Training for me was not one method; it was multiple methods all put together to create a positive outcome.
I also want to tell you that I tackled one problem at a time: Let me expand a bit on this – In my life as a working mom I work in TECH, when I have to figure out what is going on, we have to break down the steps and troubleshoot to understand where the root of the problem is. So when it came to trying to get my son potty trained, and he was having a hard time, I decided to go step by step.
Phase 1: Getting our Child to correlate the word with the action
Step 1 – Correlation:
When my journey first started, I was against the clock. His three-year birthday was just around the corner, and I did not want him to wear diapers to school. In my observations of his behaviors I noticed that when my son would take a shower, the first thing he would do was pee, and when I saw him doing that, I started to tell him good “pee pee”. I continued to do this for a couple of days, and one morning I asked him to stand in front of the bathroom and do “Pee Pee”. Success, he understood the word and had effectively correlated it with the action.
Step 2 – Consistency:
For the next couple of days, I started to ask him to use the bathroom (urinate) first thing in the morning and right before bed because I knew he had a full bladder.
Step 3 – Muscle Control:
For this step, you need to make a good assessment of your child and yourself.
1. Does your child understand YES and NO?
2. Does he/she know the difference between urinating and having a bowel movement?
3. Do I have time to commit?
4. Is everyone who will help with this task on the same wavelength as you?
For this step, you and your child need commitment. I know you have heard it before; consistency is the key! None of those articles where you read this are wrong – you have to plan this out with time and consistency.
If you have help, whether it’s your nanny, parents, partner, RBT, all of you need to be in sync and on the same page.
I will say plan out two weeks at minimum. For those of you that your child is already in school and pre-k or kindergarten, plan to tackle this problem during their spring, winter, or summer break. I heard many parents gain some solid ground during the weekends, and when they go back to school, the kids have a regression because the teacher or caregiver did not follow the plan so time will be your best friend.
I picked two weeks where we made a commitment to stay home as much as possible, and if one of us had to go out, one parent would stay with the child. You cannot, and I have to stress this, start potty training and still let them urinate on the diaper because you wanted to go out and have a meal at a restaurant.
Going back to my Journey: Once he understood the action with the word, it was time to go and try out my plan, which was to remove the diaper altogether all day. I have heard and read from books where they leave the kids bare bottoms; I did not feel comfortable with this as I had people working in my house at that time and did not want to expose my son to strangers. I opted to let him use underwear with his favorite cartoon at that time.
I placed a timer for every 15 minutes, and I would take him to the bathroom and ask him to pee. Sometimes he did, sometimes he did not, and he did have a couple of accidents. Once I noticed he did not have accidents within the 15 minutes (this took about two days), I moved to 20 minutes, following the same steps I worked up to every 1 hour. Consistently asked do you want to “Pee Pee”, sometimes when he was watching TV he would forget and have an accident on the couch. My strategy with accidents was the same on all occasions I would still wall him to the bathroom.
Until one day he told me “Pee Pee” and together we started to run to the bathroom! Success After this occurred, we did have a couple of incidents, for example, if we went to the playground and he did not want to stop playing, he would forget or not hold it. We started to nip this problem by taking him to the bathroom before preferred activities.
I tried to stay prepared for the first couple of months with portable seat covers for public bathrooms, and limit my outings or length of time if a bathroom was not near. I heard of many parents that when they go out in public they still let the child use a diaper but we need to be committed to the change even if it means a brief pause in outings.
For some parents, getting their child to urinate on the toilet might take a day or two; for me, it took two weeks, and I have heard of some parents that it has taken 1 month, and all of it is okay as long as you stick to the plan and you see progress. Each of us has our own journey!
Phase Two: Losing the Fear of the Toilet
Step 4: Bowl movements (Proper Location and equipment)
The problem I started to have is he refused to have a bowel movement, and he cried a lot. I started to ask him, “Do you need to “poo poo”?” and gave in only for 10 to 20 mins with the diaper, and he had his bowel movement. This is unique to me, I know, but it’s what worked for me. For most ASD parents – it’s not uncommon for their child to be constipated due to their limited diet.
He learned to ask me for a diaper for when he wanted to have a bowel movement. This, for me, was a win as he once again understood/correlated the word with the action.
He knew and had to use the bathroom to have a bowel movement and was letting me know. However, the problem started when he refused to sit on the toilet.
He would tell me, and I would sit him down, and he could be there for up to 30 minutes with no success. The moment I gave him the diaper, he would go with no problem. I also want to tell you that he started to ask me to leave the room, so I knew he was embarrassed about using the diaper. In the past, due to my desperation of wanting to get him to do # 2 in the toilet, I forced him to sit and held him down; he became very scared of the toilet.
So how to re-program? How to turn a traumatic event around? Like you, I felt so lost…
I went back to ground zero! First, I needed to associate the location.
I started by only letting him have bowel movements in his diaper in the bathroom. **VERY IMPORTANT**
I then started to search for a different type of potty. Let me tell you I bought it all – Little toilets, different kinds of seats that go on top of your toilet. Until I found this toilet seat that goes on top of your toilet, but it has a little ladder attached, and it has handles on the sides.
I decided to give this a try; why not? I had already done everything else, and it did not work.
Step 5: Change of mindset little by little.
I knew he felt comfortable in his diaper and felt safe, so I had to find a way to change his mindset about the toilet.
I read an article that really helped me with my next steps: 4 Steps to Potty Training
So when the new bathroom chair was delivered, I showed it to him and had him sit on it. This, at first, was a huge problem. He would cry and say NO.
I started negotiations. If you sit on the potty, I will give you __X__. Find something they love; use it to your advantage. It might be stickers, screen time, or a favorite book. For me, it was gummies; he does not eat the gummies but loves the box with his favorite characters. I would ask to sit for 1 minute, 2 Minutes, 3 Minutes, 4..5.. I would use my phone timer. He is very used to the term first then that and having a timer for him to know the beginning and end of an activity.
Once he was okay sitting down willingly, I want to tell you he did not have any bowel movements at all but was no longer scared of the toilet, I was then one step closer to my end goal.
Step 6: Going back to basics (TIME)
For this step, I had to go back to basics – I found myself having to have the time commitment once again. Almost two years had passed from when he learned to go to the bathroom with no problem to urinate but refused to use the potty for bowel movements. I will tell you that he liked his privacy, so he would only ask for a diaper to do # 2 at home, never at school or in any social setting.
So, I picked two weeks where I was going to be home and could be the only person in charge of his bathroom time.
It took a total of 2.5 weeks.
1. I started to tell him if you want to use a diaper, you have to sit on the potty with the diaper. This was not greeted willingly, so it took some convincing. I would only let him have the diaper for 10 minutes, and if he was using it, he had to be sitting down.
– I had to remove the diaper a couple of times to let him know I meant business. This took place for about 1 day until he finally had a bowel movement in the bathroom, sitting down and on his diaper.
2. Once this happened – it was time to set my plan in motion! I started to make small holes in his pull-ups.
– I prepped by making a small hole in every pull-up a bigger and bigger holes. For one week, every time he asked me for a diaper, I would only let him use a diaper with a hole. He did notice, but I hid the rest of the diapers, and he only had one choice, the “broken diaper” liked he called it.
– With each day, the hole became bigger, and it got to the point that the poop just went straight into the toilet.
– He was so happy, and every time he went poop on the potty, we made a celebration.
– We were now at the tail end of week two when he had been going basically on the potty with the small protection, a little portion of a diaper in the front end only. I felt he already had the comfort and knew poop went on the potty. I did not want to wait too long, as I did not want to develop another dependency. So on day 3 of him going with no problem with a diaper and a big hole, I decided to tell him I had no more diapers.
– I asked him to sit and gave him a small towel to cover his front end, giving him a false sense of protection.
– He sat in the bathroom for no more than 3 minutes, and he had successfully used the bathroom!!!! Success He was so happy we celebrated his success, and I am going to tell you there were ups and downs in this process, but we never gave up and stuck to our plan.
From this point on – he would ask me for a diaper, but I would take him to the bathroom and repeat, “Ohh you want to use the potty.”
And then one day he told me, “Mommy, I need to use the toilet.”
This is my success story – I broke down the process as much as I could to help him with the process. I understood that he might learn a bit differently, and we as parents might need to adapt to them while still holding on to our end goal.
My Journey was divided into two phases – with many steps, both required commitment and consistency on both.
I hope my journey helps you, and you find inspiration to give it another try. Remember, slow and steady wins the race.
Thank you for taking the time to read this post. I hope you found it useful. If you enjoy my content, please consider subscribing to my blog here and following me on Instagram.
Caren S.
